


deserve it

by Anonymous



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Blood and Violence, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Don't Read This, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Physical Abuse, Punishment, Sad Ending, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Unconsciousness, Whipping, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:15:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28257537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: disappointing jeonghan never leads to good things.READ THE TAGS. I CAN'T STRESS THAT ENOUGH.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Kudos: 25
Collections: Anonymous





	deserve it

**Author's Note:**

> vent fic because i hate myself. read the tags. or better yet don't read this at all.

Joshua’s back burns. It feels like someone’s poured acid onto his skin, rubbed salt into every little wound, pressed molten lava right into his pores. The fact that he’s blindfolded makes it worse, and around the gag in his mouth he can only drool and groan stupidly, messy and pathetic just like Jeonghan tells him he is.

The crack of Jeonghan’s whip through the air makes him flinch hard, like the hiss of water on a ripping hot pan, and the feeling of it hitting his back makes his vision go spotty even though he can’t see anything. It hurts so much. It hurts so, so much, and at that point he can’t even make noise; there’s nothing left in his lungs; he’s too weak. Weak and trembling and pathetic and unworthy of being cared for.

But he deserves it. He knows he does. He made Jeonghan upset and so this is just the price he has to pay. He knew the consequences of his actions and yet he did it anyway. He deserves this. Every single one of the 100 lashes Jeonghan is going to leave on his back. He deserves it.

“Sit up.” Joshua obeys with some difficulty, and even just the small motion sets off seemingly every pain sensor in his body, making him whine out a quiet sob. He’d cried, in the beginning, hard and raw, but he’s beyond tears now, can’t even bring himself to scream. He’s too floaty, and he wants to pass out. Everything hurts. He wishes, twistedly, that Jeonghan would hurt him more. Hurt him more and more and _more_ until he’ll never need to be punished again because he already compensated for everything he might do wrong in the future.

“Are you still with me? Does it hurt?” Jeonghan’s voice is soft, emotionless, almost gentle, and Joshua manages a stunted nod, trying to breathe past the overwhelming urge to break down and just kill himself where no one can hurt him again. He’s surprised he hasn’t passed out.

“Good.” Another crack of the whip against his back, then another, then another, then another. Joshua’s lost count, and he’s sure Jeonghan doesn’t care. He deserves this, and so much worse.

“I hope you know how disappointed I am in you. I trusted you,” Jeonghan says quietly, and his voice has lost all of its usual silky purr, reduced to a sort of blankness that feels...dangerous. It feels worse, makes shame invade every part of Joshua’s being like poison. He’ll kill himself if it’ll make Jeonghan happy with him again. He’ll do anything. He just wants to be good.

“‘M sorry,” he tries to say, the words falling instinctively from his lips. He doesn’t know how many times he’s said those two words since he got together with Jeonghan, but it’s a lot. When he says it now, it comes out warped, and Jeonghan sighs, low and full of disapproval. It hurts, but Joshua deserves it.

Jeonghan doesn’t respond beyond another set of lashes, and Joshua takes it, jolting with every strike as an odd sort of numbness covers him. He has no air left to choke out screams, lightheaded and dizzy with agony, but he knows deserves it. That’s the mantra he chants in his head as his vision turns fuzzy and dark around the edges. He deserves it. This is his fault. Jeonghan is only doing what he has to. Jeonghan is doing the right thing and Joshua deserves every painful punishment Jeonghan wants to inflict upon him. He has no right to be upset, not when he’s the one in the wrong. He has no right to be upset.

“I really thought you were better. I really thought you were. I had such high hopes for you,” Jeonghan murmurs, and Joshua feels tears spring at his dry, stinging eyes, hating himself vehemently for disappointing his angel. He never wanted to be bad. He never wanted to mess up.

But it didn’t change the fact that he did, and now he’s just getting what he deserves. He deserves this.

He doesn’t make it to 100 before he passes out.


End file.
